


Grief

by autumnsolstice9



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, post-neji death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 12:57:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16137725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnsolstice9/pseuds/autumnsolstice9
Summary: “I don’t know how to grieve,” she breathes out, stumbling back onto the bench. “I am Hyuuga. We do not grieve. I am shinobi. We do not grieve. I am a tool. We do not grieve.”Neji dies. Hinata grieves.





	Grief

**Author's Note:**

> as usual, this is unbeta'd and a one shot

There is no time for grief.

Her cousin, someone she loved more than words can explain, is dead and Naruto is shutting down in the middle of a war.

She wants to vomit, wants to scream, wants to hold Neji’s body close and cry, but there is the sound of battle going on around her and her body is on autopilot. Hinata picks up Naruto’s spirit and gets to touch someone she has longed for, but it doesn’t feel good.

It doesn’t feel like much of anything.

Scratch that, it feels like anger. Naruto needs to end this battle, needs to continue fighting, because otherwise Neji’s death is for nothing and her cousin deserves more respect than that. So she tells Naruto to keep fighting and she gives him gentle smiles and she ignores the bile in her throat as she activates her byakugan and continues on in a war that has already taken too much from her.

And if she fights recklessly and throws her body into near-death more often than not, no one says anything. Kiba and Shino are far away and the only other person who cared enough to notice is dead.

When the battle ends, people cheer. Hinata sits by Neji’s body and closes her eyes, hoping Naruto will come and grieve, but he never does. Instead, she carries Neji’s too stiff body to a medical tent and does not cry when they place a blanket over his body. A medic tries to take her away, to check on the blood still pouring out of her body, but Hinata refuses to leave Neji’s side.

People come to remove her, and her battle instincts are still tense and she can feel chakra building up in her palms in case anyone makes her leave Neji, but just as soon as the people came they left, replaced by Kiba and Shino.

They don’t say anything- they don’t need to. They hold her hand and place featherlight kisses on her head, and when the time comes to move out, they block her from the rest of the rookie nine and bring her to the waiting Hyuuga’s.

They could be celebrating with the rest of the forces, with their family, but they do not leave her side in a sea of Hyuuga and hold her hand the rest of the way home.

***

There is no time for grief.

Training continues, the world continues, reconstruction continues. The world almost ended but for now it keeps turning, and the constant stream of missions continues. It’s funny, she thinks, that a world at peace still has need for ninja, that a world full of such strong hands has such a weak grasp on peace.

She does not wallow in grief. She is a ninja, and her father tells her to stand strong, that she cannot display weakness. His voice echoes in her head, a constant barrage of _Hyuuga are not weak_ , and she’s not sure if he’s saying it to her now or if she’s just hearing a distant memory. Hinata feels disconnected from her head, from her body.

She feels like she is still on the battlefield, Neji’s blood covering her hands and a field full of screams.

_Hyuuga are not weak._

Then why does she feel so fragile?

Hinata continues on with her life, continues to aid those rebuilding the village, but she still feels like she’s in a war. She still feels like she is watching Neji get impaled.

She does not grieve. She does not speak. People tell her what to do, and she responds. _This,_ Hinata thinks, _is what it means to be ninja._

***

There is a funeral, and she dresses like the heiress she is. They bury her cousin, and Naruto hangs his head low. The Hyuuga do not cry, they never cry. Her own face is blank, a mask perfected from years of living under her father’s watchful grave.

One by one, they leave. Hours pass, and even Naruto disappears off somewhere. Hanabi gives her hand a squeeze, and Hinata can feel her heart tighten in her chest, threatening to break. Soon, all that are left is her and Neji’s team.

Gai goes over to her and places his hand on her shoulder. “He was family,” he says, his voice quieter than she has ever heard, “we loved him.” She wants to tell him that he was her brother, that he was mean and cruel but she loved him, that he grew into one of her best friends, that she can’t get images of the war out of her head, that she was there when he died and saw it happen. She wants to say that she hurts so much and feels so numb, but her voice has been broken since Neji died.

Her emotions must read across her face, because soon she is getting pulled into a hug. “He was family,” he whispers into her hair, teardrops soaking her shoulder, “you are, too. We are here for you.”

Lee and Tenten, who were hanging behind their sensei, join the hug. “You’re family,” Lee whispers as Tenten kisses her forehead.

She wants to cry. They leave her and her team with a parting hug, and Hinata feels wobbly inside. She wants to cry, she wants to scream, she wants to go back in time and save her cousin.

She wants Neji to be there, alive, lecturing her for being outside in the night for so long.

“Come on,” Kurenai says, lightly grabbing her hand, “let’s go home.” She follows Kiba and Shino to Kurenai’s house and does not move when blankets are piled around her. They spend the night in silence until eventually they begin to doze off, her boys comforting presences on either side with Kurenai holding her back.

Each time sleep comes to take her, she sees flashes of war. She spends the night awake.

***

She throws herself into rebuilding Konoha, giving it all. If she’s not eating enough, or taking too many shifts, who is going to say anything? The village needs to be rebuilt, they need strong workers to help. 

It’s not like she can sleep anyway.

***

A week after Neji’s funeral, she collapses in a park. She quickly picks herself back up to go sit on a nearby bench, and is grateful that it’s night, so no one is around to notice.

Or so she thought. 

Kakashi suddenly appears on the bench next to her, sitting down and pulling out one of his books in one swift movement. They sit in silence for a few moments, and Hinata can’t find it in herself to care. It’s awkward, and unpleasant, but she found out at a young age that many things in life are unpleasant.

Once the silence seems almost too much, Kakashi closes his book and looks at her. “You know,” he says, “you’re allowed to take a break. Every ninja needs a leave of absence once in a while. As it is, you’re not going to be useful in the condition you’re in.” 

He says it as a fact, no room for debate, and Hinata wants to scream that she already knows that. She knows she’s not useful, everyone has been telling her that since she was born. She couldn’t even save her own cousin.

“Look, you’re over-exhausted and malnourished. When was the last time you slept? That you ate? What would Neji say?”

Anger had been pooling into her stomach since the conversation with Kakashi started, and hearing him throw that at her makes it boil over.

“I don’t know what he would say,” she croaks out, voice scratchy from disuse. “I don’t know what he would say because he isn’t here and it’s _my fault_. I can’t sleep because I see him dying, and for what? For me? For Naruto? Because I jumped in front of the boy I love? Why would he do that? Was it for me or for him?”

Now that she has opened her mouth, she cannot stop talking. Her words flow out like a river, and she knows she is rambling like a crazed woman. Kakashi’s one visible eye is wide, and he doesn’t try to stop her when she grabs onto his jacket and lightly shakes it.

“I was fine with dying! I was okay with it! I’ve thrown myself in the way before and I’ll do it again! Because that’s what ninjas do, that’s what they have us do! The Hyuuga, the elders, everyone! I keep trying to understand why he did it, but I can’t make sense of it! I can’t make sense of anything! I just want him back!” A sob rips through her, her hands shaking where they rest on Kakashi’s jacket. “I just want him back. I just want to go to sleep for a hundred years. I don’t want to see him dying anymore.”

“Hinata,” Kakashi says, voice heavy with years of pain, “you’re grieving. You’ll work through this. It’s a process.”

The fight goes out of her almost as quick as it came. “I don’t know how to grieve,” she breathes out, stumbling back onto the bench. “I am Hyuuga. We do not grieve. I am shinobi. We do not grieve. I am a tool. We do not grieve.”

Kakashi huffs out a breath, gaze up towards the moon. “So learn how. Learn how to grieve on your own. Learn how to grieve as a sister and a friend and the young girl you are. You’re still human, after all.”

She sits in silence, absorbing his words, and turns her face towards the night sky. 

“I wish it had been me instead of him,” she admits. Who would the copy-nin tell? He was familiar with death, if anyone were to understand it would be him. “I almost died for Pein, you know. I was okay with that, because then Naruto would have the chance to live. I was okay with dying then, too, because Naruto would be alive and be able to fight. Neji was supposed to bring justice to the clan. He was supposed to grow old with someone who loves him. He was supposed to live.”

“I wish it had been me,” she repeats in a whisper, and then she leaves the bench and cries all the way to Kurenai’s house.

***

The first time she sees Naruto since the war, she is with Team Gai. They all acutely feel Neji’s loss, something few can understand, and being able to talk about Neji with those who knew him as well as she did makes her cry, but it also makes them all cry.

She is with them at a training field, tears flowing between the four as they tell stories of Neji. Tenten and Lee each hold one of her hands, and Gai keeps giving them spontaneous hugs that make them cry even more. 

From the corner of her eye, she sees orange approaching, and as it gets closer it becomes clear that it’s Naruto. Her body involuntarily tenses, and all of a sudden she is back in the war, limbs heavy as she runs forward to jump in front of Naruto and no no no it’s Neji who’s hurt, Neji who is bleeding, Neji who is dying in front of her and she can’t think can’t breathe has to save him has to get him help has to-

Someone is saying her name- no, shouting it. She blinks her eyes, and suddenly she is back in the present, Tenten in front of her face and Lee firmly grasping her arm. “Is she okay?” she hears Naruto ask, and she suddenly wishes she was with Kiba and Shino who would guard her emotional state from anyone. Gai is also staring at her with concern, and tears flood her eyes as she comes back to earth from her memories.

“Ah, she’s okay!” Tenten chirps, and Hinata wishes she knew what qualifies someone as okay because she certainly doesn’t feel anywhere near it, but she stays silent.

Bile is in her throat, her hands are shaky, and _why is Naruto here?_

Naruto makes eye contact with her and begins to raise his hand in greeting, but she can’t handle it. Not when the memory of Neji’s death is fresh on her mind. “I have to go,” she croaks out, and runs away without looking back. 

When she finds herself at the Aburame compound, Shino greets her with open arms. “Shh, little ladybug, it’s okay. You don’t need to confront everything all at once.”

That doesn’t make the guilt in her chest lessen, but for now, it is enough.

***

She avoids Naruto for a week before her team kicks sense into her. “Look,” Kiba barks out, “you’re going to have to deal with this eventually. You’re dealing with heavy stuff, but he deserves to know why you’re freezing him out.”

“I agree,” Shino gently hums, “he was involved in the event. Perhaps talking to him will help.”

“If it gets to be too much, come back here,” Kurenai says, reaching out to run her fingers through Hinata’s hair. “We’re making cinnamon rolls tonight, you can always say you need to be here early. We love you, Hinata.”

“I know,” she breathes out, “I love you, too.”

***

She finds Naruto alone at a training field, going through his daily routine. Hinata is acutely aware that he knows she’s approaching. He’s one of the best ninjas in the village, there’s no way he wouldn’t know.

He pauses his motions when she’s close enough to talk to. “Hey, Hinata!” he smiles, and behind her eyes there are still flashes of Neji’s death, but she forces out a smile. “What brings you here?”

“Hi, Naruto-kun, I wanted to, uh, talk to you about something.” Her hands feel sweaty and when his brows pinch together in concern, she feels her heartbeat quicken. She has to power through this, has to let him know how she feels.

Isn’t it what Neji would have wanted?

“Naruto-kun, I’m sure you know I’ve been acting… different recently.” His head nod makes her feel guilty. He is her friend, she loves him, and he’s probably been worried. “Ever since Neji died, I’ve been having a hard time. At first I only felt numb, but then it became sadness and anger and I’ve been trying to work through my emotions. And, I’ve uh. I’ve been avoiding you because of it.”

“Hinata…” he whispers, hand reaching out towards her. The frown on Naruto’s face only grows as she takes a small step back, bile in her throat as she remembers Neji’s blood on her hands.

“I’ve been having trouble sleeping. Everytime I close my eyes, I see his death. I see the war. I see you, and I see him, and it’s the only thing I can think of at times. And it’s not fair for me to take it out on you, but I don’t know how to stop seeing it.” Just like her conversation with Kakashi, the words won’t stop coming. “I was reckless afterwards and overworked myself and didn’t cry for weeks and once I started crying it was like I couldn’t stop. And once I started allowing myself grieve, I couldn’t stop. I’ve been trying to figure out how to live, how to exist without Neji there, but sometimes I turn to tell him something and he’s not there. I wake up in the morning to train but have to adjust to doing it solo. No matter what I can’t stop seeing it. And seeing you, that day with Gai’s team, it reminded me of his death. Shino said I should talk to you, because you were there, you know exactly what happened, but it’s been hard because I keep reliving the moment and I don’t want to.”

Naruto was staring at her, eyes clearly full of sorrow. “Hinata… I can’t say I know what you’re going through. I was there, but it’s not like that for me. Iruka-sensei says everyone grieves differently, yanno?”

It felt like her chest was empty. She felt so incredibly alone--- he didn’t understand what she was experiencing, he wasn’t grieving like she was.

His hand on hers brought her eyes up towards his. “Everyone grieves differently, but that doesn’t change that I want to be there for you when you need it. Right now seems like a time when you need it.”

The tears were back as she took his hand and held it in her own, feeling his callouses against her own. “Can we… can we just talk about it?”

His thumb rubbed over her knuckles, “of course.”

When the conversation was over, after she had explained how the war kept replaying in her mind, how all she saw was Neji’s death, and Naruto had responded in turn, she felt different. Still sad, still unbelievably full of grief, but a bit lighter.

“You know, Tsunade could help you. You should talk to her, she’s good at helping people.”

“But I’m not injured?”

He smiled softly. “Hinata, there are lots of different kinds of injuries. Just because yours isn’t physical doesn’t mean it hurts any less or needs less attention. Talk to her, she can help you.”

Hinata looked down at their still interlocked hands, and back up at Naruto. “I will,” she breathed out, “I will.”

***

Tsunade did know how to help, and help she did. Her father threw a fit when he found out she was taken off the active duty roster while she learned how to cope with what Tsunade called “post-traumatic stress disorder”, but Kurenai and her boys swooped in and saved her with team bonding nights that were really just excuses to get her out of the Hyuuga compound.

It took time, but it was working. It took time, but after a couple of months of meeting with Tsunade, she could finally say she was beginning to feel normal again.

Whenever she saw Naruto on the street, he would hug her and ask her how she was doing, and more often than not they would get together and talk about how they were both coping after the war. 

It was not fixed, and maybe it would never be fixed, but she was finally able to be back on the active roster.

She missed Neji, and she would still wake up from dreams of his death, but she knew how to handle it now.

Months after his death, she visited his tombstone.

“Hello, Neji,” she began, placing flowers down, “it’s been a rough couple of months. I miss you. I love you.”

The wind blew gently against her skin, and in it she swore she could feel Neji’s hand on her shoulder, a gentle whisper of “I love you, too” in her ear.

Hinata smiled, and she still wasn’t okay, but she was better. She closed her eyes, and the only memory to play was her and Neji training together on a sunny day.

Not okay, but getting there.

**Author's Note:**

> hinata really gets her character thrown out the window thanks kishi! but i was imagining what she would be like after neji's death and how she would grieve and how it would work out


End file.
